Over to my laptop to log on to Facebook. Oh, nothing but a few pokes from friends i dont really know and most likely wouldnt piss on if they were on fire. Oh there it is the Scrabulous nudge warning me my wife wants me to resume my play, oh joy! i checked my inbox as a new message came in. it was from a friend i do call a friend, telling me her husband has flown back out to Iraq for another 9 week tour of hell.
A van pulls up outside my modern semi in sur'bore'bia like its in some kind of hurry. Oh its my wireless router brilliant... my over excessive use of the internet is now going to be available anywhere in the house. Well with the configuration achieved without hassle it was time to test my router... a few moments later i receive a text from my best mate, telling me to get my arse on owned and make him some money. A few texts later he told me he would be my alibi if i go to norway to see my love!!!!!! can you imagine how this felt. For weeks i wanted to ask him if he would cover me, but being a man of some morals i decided against it and would have to plot some other way. So here i am, one step closer to my love. When i say love i really do mean love. This does happen you know!!! well i hope so because I need to be with her soon.
I immediatley text her telling her of my news. My wife, well she is so uninterested in me she hardly notices me whilst i text away. I did look at her and was overcome with a pang of guilt. I felt awful for a few moments until i received a text from my mate. "She has never trusted you mate, do what you got to do, its high time you put your search for happiness first". Didnt stop me feeling bad but he was right.
Well its 7pm now and my brother calls to tell me he has fallen out with my dad. I moved up to wales to get away from all this, four years later i am still being bothered by my highly paranoid brother. He grinds me down with his weed induced monotonic voice. He is always losing his jobs, always in arrears and always worried about something that i really cant be arsed with. I love him, but hate him more. I call my father a little later not to talk about brother, but to ask him why he supports newcastle united, but we do get on to talking of my brother. God i cant be arsed! "dad he is a manipulative little wanker, open your eyes mate". that was my contribution.
my head is twisted with thoughts of my love. My wife is asleep, not bad its 9pm guess its facebook time! i am so bored of this life. Hardly a decent intellectual conversation all day and she rewards me with snoring. My kids are all up in bed so i decide to msn her... i see her face and melt. I read her broken english and melt further. She tells me that i wont leave her that i am to stay and be happy. I make my excuses to leave msn as i need to contemplate the days enormous event. I am going to see her!
today may seem boring to the average reader, but before today a lot has happened. I am here today through enormous events i will not be writing here. How can this all be exciting i hear you ask. After all i am abouts to embark on a weekend of nothing but wine, food and passion whilst my wife sits here on the sofa watching the same old crap, probably having the same old conversation only to herself as she may not notice i am away.
i may take you all back a few years on the next instalment. maybe then you will understand my actions and reasons.
nite nite i am so happy!
Tuesday, March 2nd 2008, Still in Wales!
Well here i am again, pondering over why i am actually writing this. Okay, it's a slight release of emotions, but none the less, its personal shit!
So, yet again i woke up in my sexless bed immediately wandering what my love was up to. I am here with my head firmly in my my hands wandering why, why oh fucking why me! i managed to pull my unshaven jaws from the palms of my hands followed by a very poetic stance. I got myself into the shower and scalded my skin, just how i like it... if you are going to clean then do it properly i say. Whilst the water was working its way down my wasted naked body, i actually thought about getting dressed telling her to fuck off and going. I hasten to add, i am still bloody here. I feel angry which probably shows in my writing today. Well, that will become clear when i get to this afternoons piece... the bitch! how dare she...
Anyway, i stood outside for the same conversation as yesteday smoking away. I recall trying to hurry this cigarette too, i feel uncomfortable around her today. i guess because i am writing this i feel somewhat guilty that she doesn't know... fuck her!
Getting on with my work, editing a few pictures for a magazine and some for brochures my mind wandered to my darling over there in norway. Her eyes piercing my imagination offering me to bed to make love to her. She really is that beautiful. I sent her an email just letting her know i love her in norwegian "masse glad i deg a gulle mitt". sod it i will text her too. If my wife see's then fate has drawn its hand.
Okay its again 6pm.. my wife has looked shit all day! she never makes the effort, no passion as she hates sex! sex is for babies!! my god i cant beleive it myself. i am 33 years of age for chists sake. Anyway, she has had a go at me for telling my 14 year old daughter off. I should say step daughter as i am not allowed to tell her or her older sister off. Yet i can tell our own daughter off. We have only been together for 11 years and i love all my girls the same. I am a father to all, i treat them all the same. But my wife puts this division up when start dishing out a telling off!!
a couple hours later my eldest daughter (step) of 17 spills her cup of tea over the new laptop! it stops working i have a go.. i told her that she is to pay for the repairs and parts. Which is fair enough she earns a little money with her part time job, even she agrees. But hang on, the wife shouts at me! again.
what hurts is i am not able to express myself anymore, my wife aka Queen Victoria just wont allow me to discipline the kids apart from our own. I hate how she supresses me with her fucking ways! just like her two brothers, they are all the same.
Two hours later after listening to my MP3 player she goes up to bed after trying her hardest to get me to apologise to her by making me feel guilty. I wont budge, there is no way i am backing down i have had years of this! Well, down comes my eldest daughter to give me a cuddle. she said she went upstairs earlier because my wife had shouted at her too! I apologised to her for my actions, she said i was fine she expected me to say something i had spent a lot of the day formatting the hard drive for her. We had a fag, a good chat and i explained to her the her mum is coming between us and that its hurting me. I also said i was unhappy. She told me that her mum is a bitch lately, and even though i am not her biological father i am her real dad!
i spent an hour crying after our little chat. To have it confirmed by the kids means more to me than anything. I have decided that i will leave her soon. I will save some money and go to norway, where i am loved, i am wanted, i am needed. My girls will come visit all will be well.
My wife, supresses me, she doesnt make love to me, she never fucks me, she never talks to me, she cooks me dinner she washed my clothes, for this i should be happy? i don't know... i want out. We don't argue much in front of kids, although she tries... i am out of here.. i have spent too many years repeating all this to her for her to change for a few days then slip back into Queev Victoria's frock!
HATE HER? YES, LOVE HER? nO... LOVE MY GIRLS? YES, LEAVE MY WIFE? PLEASE HELP LOL.
Thanks for reading, its not completely full of the best gramma, but you get the idea.. this blog spot is ace!!! night to you all.